Sunday, July 02, 2006

So, here's what I think about my offer on the table:

If I'm going to go to grad school, it's worth it. (Residency, a $4,500 education award...)

If I'm not, then... maybe it isn't. (Living in Madison, yes, but signing on the dotted line for another year of barely scraping by doing something that may be worthwhile but isn't what I have the intention of doing for a long time, and with people who may be kind of juvenile, which tends to annoy regular me)

So now I have to answer that question, do I or don't I, but I have no idea how to. Maybe I'd like a life in academia, maybe I wouldn't. Is getting a masters in a liberal arts field worth it if you don't have an end you're pushing toward. Will my dreams of more intellectual depth be crowded out by university bureaucracy and poverty, leaving me in debt and even more directionless.

I myself have orated the speech numerous times, and had it orated to myself -- "don't give away the freedom of your youth for comfort," or some derivative of that. I have a lot of warmth in my soul, but I don't know that it's sufficient to carry me through another year of do-gooding at the economic margin if there's nothing bigger than liberal satisfaction waiting for me at the finish line.

Really, I kind of wish I could be more single-minded, or at least I wasn't so all over the place. But considering my life from all the perspectives I can makes me fell immobilized by the mountain of pros and cons -- I want to just jump on this and do it. Maybe I will. I'll email her and say yes, and then have the year to think about whether it was the right thing, just like I did in Sweden.

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