which is really hard. I can fiddle about and be charming, but it's really difficult to maintain for an entire letter, especially when you haven't convinced yourself that you're applying for any other reason than you feel like you ought to apply for stuff, since you don't know what you're doing.
On the other hand, when I get done I'm going to reward myself with a haircut, a beer and reading children's books. Actually, the children's books are for an assignment, but I'm considering them a reward anyway.
Mostly, I'm just overpowered right now with all the voices in my head -- the one that say to be true to yourself and don't fake it for something you don't care that much about, the one that says it'll actually be cool, the one that says it will just bog me down from moving and going to grad school, the one that says to do it anyway just for the interview experience. I'm going to do it, since I've got nothing to lose at this point, but I'm just already exhausted from "I'm going to graduate, what the hell do I do now?"
What really chides me is that I feel like I'm just getting started. I was reading Q's blog, who's excited because he landed his dream job, and is now swimming in senioritis because he can't care about school anymore. I'm just the opposite -- I was sleepwalking through the first three years, occupying my time with the DN or whatever, and now I feel like I'm just getting started actually taking school seriously, and they're going to make me leave and get a job, or at least sit around until I can enroll in grad school.
It's been a long day. At least I wrote my 5-page mass media law case brief in an hour. It's always pleasant when you can supercede that "oh god, it's due Friday and I haven't started" feeling by just knocking it the fuck out.
Maybe I'll go to "V for Vendetta" tonight if I can get through all this.